


The Time of Your Life

by multifunctional



Series: Welcome to Adulthood, Dave [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: kid dave, okay so it isnt johndave yet but it will get there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-06-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 10:29:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1547396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multifunctional/pseuds/multifunctional
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A bit of background on your life:  You are twelve years old and have lived with five or six foster families already, but now you are residing with your newly permanent guardian with some freaking weird hobbies and quirks - and he barely looks old enough to drive, let alone raise a child.  It doesn't matter to you so much, you suppose, as long as you can continue with music and talking to your best friend from the internet all the time.  Thank god your new Bro seems to not care too much what you do.  You're pretty low maintenance, after all.  Let's see how this home plays out in comparison to the others.  Maybe you'll end up doing okay here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Strider Birthday

_For all your life, you’ve been going from home to home, family to family.  You don’t remember staying in a home for much longer than a few years – three, in fact, has been your longest home, spanning the ages six to nine.  You remember in one of your schools (when you were ten, actually just months after your longest family with their three other children had to foreclose their house) that you had to read a book about a kid named Hollis Woods. You always felt that she was a lot like you, except you didn’t actually run from the families and your preferred medium was music rather than drawing.  You’ve always appreciated the irony in that otherwise impeccable similarity.  But now, at the big bad age of eleven and a half, you’re sitting in the common area of the foster home and waiting for this weird and probably too young guy with obnoxious pointy shades to finish filling out the full time adoption papers and come pick you up for good._

_Your name is Dave, and hopefully you can settle the heck down with this potentially Josie-like man._

 

Chapter 1:  The First Strider Birthday

 

“Rise and shine, lil’ man.  6:30 in the AM and time to get your ass ready for school.”

Bro tossed something at your bed from where he peeked into your room from the doorway, flashed you a thumbs up, and turned to walk to the kitchen area of the apartment where you now live with your guardian of approximately six-ish months.  You’ve gotten used to the weird shades he wears, the lame polo, and… well, okay, you still weren’t quite over the revoltingly excessive number of obscene puppets, but Bro was usually very sure to keep those in his own room or under the couch.

You heard him pouring Lucky Charms cereal into a bowl and it reminded you to shove the blankets away from your person and roll off the bed to find pants. As you rolled onto the floor, whatever Bro had thrown at you slipped off, too, landing with a clunk next to your knee.

Curious, you pulled on pants and grabbed the pair of matching obnoxious shades that Bro got you as a welcoming gift in your first week here.  You didn’t like to say it out loud, but you did appreciate that he went out of his way to get you a little present, regardless of how ridiculous it was.  You wore them once to show your wordless appreciation of the gesture, then the next day just to keep up appearances.  You always took them off at school for obvious reasons, but toward the end of the second week one kid saw you pull them out of your backpack and laughed at you.  You remember that being the first time in a very long time that your face really burned in embarrassment, but he came over to you and said he thought they were cool.  You remember your next thought being something along the lines of “oh, wonderful, another freak like _him_.”  It turned out that this kid, Mark, would become a very good friend of yours in no time.

Back out of your reverie, you set the shades and the clunky box on the kitchen table next to the bowl of cereal.  You sat and crossed your legs on the chair – something you were never allowed to do at your other homes – and looked up at Bro, who was showing more emotion than you ever recall seeing him display before by way of a little half smirk as he looked at you.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a box.”

You roll your eyes and resist scoffing at him.

“Yes, I can see that, thank you.”

“Marvelous.  You’re a young man.  Isn’t there any curiosity piqued in that little heart of yours?”

“That depends, is it going to jump at me or try to stab me?”

“Probably not.”

“Wha- ‘probably?!’”

“You’ll just have to open it and find out.  Or not, I don’t care.”

Bro shrugged and started to turn away toward the fridge, from which he pulled out a bottle of apple juice and set it next to your cereal.  You mutter a “thank you” and proceed to open the shoddily packaged whatever.  It was covered in packing tape and like eight layers of cardboard.

“Bro, what the hell.”

“Just keep going, you’ll get ’em eventually.”

“Alright.”

After what felt like hours but was actually closer to maybe ten minutes, you finally got through it all to find a mess of taped tissue paper.

“Are you freaking kidding me.”

You just went to town on shredding that paper, and this time you found what was actually inside.  It was a pair of white headphones wrapped around a laptop.  You felt your jaw drop a little bit and picked the things up to look at them.

“God, these are….”

“Happy birthday, lil’ man.”

You looked up at him with wide eyes and gaping mouth.

“No way.  Are these…?”

“No, I wrapped them all special so you could smell them.  Gotta return ’em tomorrow.  Yes, of course they’re yours, dumbass.  You’re twelve now and should be trusted with wonderful things like an actual computer and good, functional accessories.”

Your face split into a grin and you hooked the headphones over your neck and set the laptop on the table.

“Oh god, wow.  Thank you so much, this is awesome.”

“Hell yeah.”

Bro’s half smirk grew into a wider smile.

“Now, let’s get your birthday butt to school.  Sixth grade is halfway over, winter break is soon.  You can deal with another week and some.  Let’s go.”

You grinned the entire way to school, and even the gross cloudiness of an early December Monday morning didn’t bother you.

~*~*~*~*~

You yawned when you made your way up the first twelve floors in the elevator then trudged up that final flight of stairs to the Strider residence.  That day, you were very proud to be a Strider.  It had been an awesome birthday.  The cafeteria had started to sell Christmas-themed cookies and cocoa, Mark brought you a poster of this cute Lisa Frank pony-unicorn-pegasus thing.  You laughed – of course he would get you this kind of a thing.  The nerd couldn’t keep his grubby fingers away from an opportunity for dumb friendly mockery of each other.  Dave always kept these dumb mocking things because they held an air of irony in the amusement they gave him.

“Bro, I’m home.”

You got in and dropped your bag by the couch in the living area, just outside Bro’s door.  You heard absolutely nothing from behind the door, but the light glowing from under it indicated that Bro was at work with something.  You shrugged and took your Lisa Frank poster to your room to tack it up, then pulled out your laptop to try it out.  You figured you might as well go on pesterChum with it.  The laptop would be much more convenient than your iPod and its crappy internet connection.  When the little icon pinged, you nodded in approval.  This was a decent machine to continue a decent Monday.  You had a message waiting, too.  Go figure.

**\-- ectoBiologist began pestering turntechGodhead at 09:38--**

**EB:  hey Dave, it’s your birthday, right?**

**EB:  happy birthday, man, hope it’s great :B**

**EB:  I mean, I guess you’re at school or whatever.**

**EB:  I am, too, but like, we don’t have all this crap blocked! Haha**

**EB:  okay cool talk to you later peace I’m out**

**\-- ectoBiologist ceased pestering turntechGodhead at 10:46 --**

You snicker at the birthday messages and type back a little reply.

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist at 15:37 --**

**TG:  hey**

**TG:  thanks for the birthday wishes buddy**

**TG:  the day frickin ruled**

**EB:  hey! nice of you to finally show up :B**

**TG:  aint it though**

**EB:  so did you get anything good?**

**TG:  john listen**

**TG:  im practically an adult now**

**TG:  all twelve years behind me can vouch for this and attest to the very tangible truth that lies in my word**

**EB:  yes, and...?**

**TG:  bro got me a laptop and headphones**

**EB:  what?! no way, he did not!!**

**TG:  but its true**

**TG:  anyway yeah todays been pretty awesome**

**EB:  that’s great. someday i’ll get my dad to let me mail something to you for your birthday. Until then, sorry i couldn’t! :(**

**TG:  nah man its cool B)**

**EB:  hehe i like the dumb shades you put on your face**

**TG:  i like the dumb teeth you put on your face**

**EB:  um, hey, offensive?**

**TG:  B) man you love me**

**TG:  who wouldnt love me though am i right**

**EB:  okay, birthday boy, let me see if i can find a way to see you through your giant layer of ego.**

**TG:  B)**

**TG:  so yeah kinda gotta go now**

**TG:  probably some big birthday bash**

**TG:  or maybe math homework**

**TG:  god i hate math**

**TG:  but we can talk more later alright**

**EB:  hehe alright :B**

**TG:  B)**

**TG:  later**

**\-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 4:10 --**

You laugh a bit and put your dumb shades on your face.  That kid, John, is probably your favorite person to talk to and has been your sorry excuse of a best friend since you were nine years old and first allowed on the internet.  You couldn’t remember exactly the circumstances of how or why you got to the family computer, but you do remember the oldest child was a fourteen year old boy who seemed like he thought he knew everything there was to know about the internet, so you let him show you YouTube and pesterChum, the only two important sites in his opinion.  After he had supervised you to a “safe place” (for god’s sake, you weren’t four, you could tell good guys from bad guys), he decided it was okay to let you loose.  That’s about when you met John.  It was within moments of Anthony’s departure from you and the machine that he messaged you.  You remember beginning to speak with him for maybe five minutes, and since then, John has been the only one you’ve really wanted to see all the time.

You snort at the memory and look into your school bag for this evening’s homework.  You groaned at the idea of doing work on your birthday, but you’d made it through the day at school, so… you may as well consult Bro on the matter.  You stood and rattled Bro’s doorknob, hoping he would answer, then leaned against the white painted wood instead.

“Bro, do I have to do my homework?”

“Yeah,” came a muffled voice from inside.  “Homework.  Do it.  You gotta get through middle school and high school.  I won’t require you go to college if you don’t want to, but ya gotta get through this, and homework is part of it.  Unless you can do it at lunch or something tomorrow, I literally couldn’t care less how it happens.  Don’t suck dicks for answers, don’t hurt classmates.  Do your fuckin’ homework.”

You held back a short laugh at this response.  Six months of knowing the man and still he never ceased to amuse you.  Suddenly, the door opened from behind you, causing you to stumble backward.

“Bro-”

“Dave.”

He used your name for once.  That surprised you.  Bro was big on informality and casualness whenever it could be employed, including his frequent insisting that you refer to him as “Bro” rather than “Dirk.”  You thought it was super weird at first, but you shrugged it off and went with it, as has been your custom.  Shortly after he had dubbed you with the title “Lil Man,” you stopped bothering to question it.  Bro really seemed to be one of those people who abided by his own rules and only set his own rules on a whim, but when he made a decision, that was that.  So his change startled you into looking up at him.

“Dave,” he said again.  “Listen, buddy.  Now that you’re approaching a manly age, I should really start teaching you how to act like a fully responsible and responsive adult who can take care of themselves.  You follow?”

You didn’t, really, but nodded anyway because his sudden very serious tone actually frightened you just a little bit.  Or maybe more than “just a little bit.”  Either way, Bro saw through it.

“I’m gonna teach you how to fight and defend yourself.  Texas is a rough place sometimes, and now that you’ve gotten settled into this area, I think it would be good if I prepare ya for rougher and tougher places.”

“So…?”

“So, here’s a sword called a katana and I’ll be up on the roof for when you feel ready to learn your very first one or six lessons.”

He dropped another shoddy package down at you from over your head, and you did catch it, but fumbled.

“You’re only new to the age of twelve.  You’ll learn.  You’ll be a pro by thirteen.”

That was more than a little bit disconcerting, but you nodded again and watched the man as he stepped out from behind you and brushed past toward the front door of the apartment.  He paused there for maybe half a second to nod before proceeding out into the hall and eventually upstairs into the cool December evening air.

“So another package wrapped by Bro,” you muttered to yourself as you set to work on the totally unnecessary amounts of tape and brown paper.  You were very surprised to see that inside all of this was a real, actual blade, and not like a Nerf thing.  It had duller, smoother edges than you expected, but maybe that’s because it was for beginners…?  You didn’t actually know a single thing about weapons.  You kind of hoped that this was all another  dumb joke he was going to play, since Bro seemed really fond of those, but by this point that wasn’t looking likely.  You took a deep breath and headed for the staircase that led up to the roof of the apartment building, counting each as you set your foot down, and shaking with excitement and nerves and adrenaline.  Was this another birthday present?  It was hecka rad, even if a bit scary.  But seriously, Dave, you’re in _sixth freaking grade_.  Don’t be such a wuss.

Wussiness aside, you finally pushed the door open slowly and peered around to see if you could catch a glimpse of what Bro was doing before he knew you were there.  You didn’t see him, and you knew that was a sign that he could actually be anywhere.  You tensed your muscles in preparation for his attack.  Let’s see….  If you knew anything from action movies, it was that the opponent was always out of view of the action hero, and if the villain was good, he wouldn’t make a sound.  Most movies had battles with unnecessary amounts of screaming.  You took another breath and stepped out and around to the side of the little doorway box thing.  Was there a name for that?

You didn’t have time to wonder, because in no time at all, another katana swung out at your head with a deadly precision and speed, eliciting an unmanly shriek from you when it stopped just short of your temple.  Your heart was thrown into a panicked overdrive.  Slowly, Bro’s blank face came into your field of view.

“Gotta be faster, lil’ man.”

You nodded rapidly to show your understanding, and that was where it all began.


	2. One Whole Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems that twelve months with Bro has had a couple of effects on you, including but not limited to your newfound use and affinity for profanity.

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist at 06:53 --**

**TG:  dude listen**

**TG:  egbert**

**TG:  man get online this is really fucking important**

**EB:  wow okay sorry i wasn’t up at the buttcrack of dawn for you your highness**

**EB:  what’s up**

**TG:  oh thank god okay**

**TG:  so bro knows that i know that we both enjoy the art of irony and i know that he knows i know his puppets and shit are mostly usually for ironic and probably pornographic purposes**

**EB:  and the purpose of telling me all this was...?**

**TG:  hes training me**

**TG:  hes fucking training me**

**TG:  probably for his gross puppet porn as like a cameo character oh my actual god**

**TG:  john**

**TG:  john come back to me buddy this is serious**

**EB:  sorry dave! i just like fell over laughing because that is kind of ridiculous.**

**TG:  stfu it isnt funny**

**EB:  uhhh yeah it kinda is**

**EB:  i don’t know a lot about bro but he seems to care about you more than that**

**TG:  i mean sure but come on hes a creepy dude**

**EB:  you haven’t even let me meet him!**

**TG:  alright fine ill let you come on video when hes around sometime but seriously hes a fucking weird dude**

**EB:  dave**

**EB:  dave calm down it’s okay**

**EB:  dave are you still there??**

**TG:  yeah sorry i was just pushing a pile pf plush puppet phallus out of the immediate area**

**EB:  that’s**

**EB:  uh**

**EB:  productive?**

**TG:  sure**

**TG:  anyway yeah im here**

**TG:  yeah you can meet bro on video in a lil bit**

**TG:  i think hes filming now or something**

**EB:  ooooooookay then**

**EB:  in other news, have weird people been messaging you lately? cuz there’s a bunch of weird people who have been actually trolling me lately.**

**TG:  uh**

**TG:  no not really**

**EB:  whatever, i bet they’ll go away sooner or later.**

**TG:  idk sure**

**TG:  okay well im gonna go until bro is around for you to meet him, k?**

**EB:  k :B**

**\-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 08:04 --**

 

Chapter 2:  One Whole Year

 

“Hey, Bro, can you come here a sec?”

He was finally out of his room and you were ready to get this Saturday rolling.  Bro seemed pretty tired but he came over anyway.  What a good person you live with.

“What is it, lil’ man?”

You glance at your computer and back at him, feeling kind of dumb for asking.

“Is the thing broken?  I can take a look at it if you-”

“No, it’s not broken.  It’s.  There’s a friend of mine, see.  Like I talk to him all the time about like everything and… well, he would like to meet you.  I mean, if that’s cool.”

A moment of tense silence passed before Bro smiled.

“I mean, I’m never one to disappoint my fans.  How would one meet your, uh, friend?”

“The video function on pesterChum.”

“PesterChum?”

You ducked your head down as if looking for another message, glad that the dumb anime shades hid your eyes basically entirely.  You were good at keeping a straight face, but your eyes, not so much.

“Yeah.  I have this friend, his name is John.  Met him back a house or two ago.”

“Did he go to your school?”

“Yeah,” you answered quickly.  You could practically hear Bro raising an eyebrow behind you.  You shook your head very subtly.  “No.  I met him online.”

“I mean I don’t care where your friends come from but I’d video him before you can in case he’s a fuckin’ pervert or something.”

“Says you?”

Bro flashed you a grin and winked over the shades at you.

“Says me.”

~*~*~*~*~

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist at 10:37 --**

**TG:  okay so bro said its cool**

**EB:  oh sweet! can’t wait to meet this weird bro of yours haha**

**TG:  yeah lets see how this works out**

**\-- turntechGodhead connected his video function at 10:42 --**

Dave blinked at the screen as the little image representing John showed him connecting his own camera.  They hadn’t actually video chatted before, just sent selfies and dumb doodles.  Dave was a little nervous.  Bro shoved him out of the chair and took his place in front of the camera just in case.

“No, Bro, you’ll freak him out.  You’re worried about John being a pervert and you’re-”

“Hell-ooooh okay, hello.  Are you Bro?” came a voice from the laptop speakers.  “Hi, I’m John!”

You peeked over Bro’s shoulder and grinned at your friend.

“Hey, John!”

“Dave!”

“Your voice sounds dumb as shit.”

“You too, jerk.”

You laughed with him, then registered that Bro had sat there staring John down with that same stoic and intimidating expression he used whenever he was being deadly serious.  Not that he seemed to show a whole lot of expressions otherwise.

“So, uh, yeah.  This is Bro.”

You saw John wave a bit shyly at him, and watched the back of Bro’s head as he gave a nod in reply.

“Not a very talkative one, eh?”

“Nah.”

You swear the noise John kept making was a giggle more than anything.  The guy was _eleven_ and he was still _giggling_ like a _child_.  What a dweeb.  It amused you greatly.

“So anyway, uh, what’s up?”

You shrugged in reply and gestured with a nod at Bro, who continued his dumb staring.  You snickered at the expression of worry that flickered over John’s face.

“So, uh, Bro?”

“That’s me.”

“I was just curious.  Like, I know it was like six months ago already, but when Dave got that laptop, where did you get it?  Like did you find an awesome price or do you sell organs on the black market to get it?”

That stupid giggle again.  You had to be careful or he’d get _you_ giggling, too.

“No, I don’t sell organs.”

John laughed and gave him a skeptical look.

“You never said it wasn’t black market.”

“You’re right, I didn’t.”

The worried expression came over John again, and you didn’t blame him.  You actually had very little idea how Bro got all his money, too, or actually what age he even was.  He dressed like he was some old man trying to be “hip and in,” but when you caught him without those dumb ass shades, he actually seemed pretty young.  He refused to tell you, but you just rolled with that, too.

“I primarily work with robotics and shit like that.  Most of it is for a private organization and unfortunately that means I can’t really disclose much of anything about it.”

John relaxed visibly, if only a little bit at this comment.

“And all your goddamn puppets?” you muttered.

“Yes, and all my goddamn puppets,” he replied without turning around.

Another garbled voice was audible through the speakers of the computer and John turned his head.

“Crap….  I’m sorry, Dave.  And Bro.  I gotta go.  That’s my dad.”

“Say hi to Dadbert for me!”

“Sure thing, Dave.  Bye, Bro.  Nice meeting you!”

The video application turned off and Bro turned around to nod once at you.

“He’s good.  I approve.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll want to add him on pesterChum, though, just so I can keep tabs on both of you.”

“You have one?  Jesus shit, why do these little things just happen to never come up in conversation?”

“Why the hell would you otherwise have had need to know?”

“Why do you need to stalk me and my friends?”

“I haven’t been keeping close tabs on you at all, let alone ‘stalking!’  I just want to make sure the kid isn’t bad to you or else I will personally wire through his computer so that his keyboard shoots letters at him.”

He sat there for a moment, staring somewhere over your shoulder and seemingly lost in thought for a little while.

“Uhh… can I have my laptop back now…?”

“You wanna go to Japan with me?”

You blinked twice.

“Wait.  Incongruity.  What?”

Bro nodded slowly, as if he was explaining second grade material to you and you weren’t catching on.

“Japan.  I gotta go for a business thing anyway and I figured it would be irresponsible of me to dump you on RoLal.  So do you wanna go?  Figured I’d give the option.  It’s almost summer anyway, and next year you’ll be in the highest grade at your school, so why not come back with killer experiences and stories, eh?  Maybe you could do a karate club or something while we’re there so you can really work on honing your body work.  You do awesome with the katana but you need to work on your own personal physical standing in addition to that.  I won’t have as much time to work you through it, so maybe you could get serious work in then we can go to dumb cafes and shit and you can be culturally enlightened.”

“I don’t really know how to respond to all of this.”

“Only the best for the lil’ man.”

“Okay.  Can I process the idea for a little while before making my final decision?”

“What if I took you to Disneyworld, Tokyo for a day?”

“I’m in.”

~*~*~*~*~

In two days or less, you were all packed and ready to go on this big trip.  There was still a week and a half of school left, but you wanted to just get up and go.  The two bags you had set for the coming month and a half sat by your door, and you checked it every afternoon as soon as you got home from school to make sure it would still be the same.

“Calm down, lil’ man.  We aren’t going to forget anything.  Just get through your finals and make it into eighth grade next year, and the second the bell rings, we can go.”

“So are you going to pick me up for that or am I still taking the bus?”

“Okay, so the second the bus gets here we’ll go.”

You shrugged to show your agreement.  He never picked you up in his truck despite your frequent complaints about the bus.  It didn’t matter so much; the only real problem was that it smelled gross and you were the last stop to get off.  Someday you wanted to take a ride in Bro’s sweet wheels.  He had this stupid Mystery Machine style van but with different colors.  You always thought it was actually pretty fucking stupid, but its blatant dumbness brought it right back around into the realm of cool.  You wish he could drive you somewhere in it one day, but he keeps not letting you ride around with him.  Like not even to the grocery store when he would occasionally pick up important household staples like Lunchables or toilet paper or paper towels or gum or whatever.  You rolled your eyes sarcastically; you usually were both too busy to get anything really solid to eat anyway so takeout was your livelihood for the past twelve months.  But you’ve also been a lot more active here, so you supposed it balanced out alright.  Despite all that physical activity, you still wish Bro would drive you around places.  Whatever.

~*~*~*~*~

Bro was outside the apartment building with all the shit you guys would need for the month.  Your bags and everything were all down in a not-quite-neat pile along with his.  You had to bite your tongue to not absolutely bound over with utter glee.  You’ve been out of state a few times, but never out of country.  This was exciting.  Bro looked up at you when he noticed you and greeted you with a nod.

“All set to go, lil’ man?”

“Hell yeah.”

“Cool.  Just called a taxi to take us to the airport.”

“Awesome.”

You stared at the street, willing the taxi to come.

“Can I run upstairs and drop my school shit?”

“Excuse you, punk, you gotta keep your summer project with you.  You don’t have to do the whole thing and I won’t be riding your ass about it all month but you really gotta get it done before freshman year.”

You made an irritated face at him but nodded.  It’s not like the notebook in your backpack weighed a whole lot.  You could easily do the summer research project, probably all on the plane, let alone between that day and a whole fourteen months from then. Bro probably just wanted to make sure you would shut up on the ride there, not that that mattered much. You glanced up at him from behind your shades and gave a small muttered "fine."

“Good boy.  Taxi’s here.”

That brought you out of your brooding.  You scooped up as many bags as you could handle and staggered over to the vehicle to dump them in the trunk.  Bro was close behind you with everything you didn’t grab.  You wondered why he needed so much stuff - like eight bags or whatever - when you really only needed a suitcase and your backpack and you felt that you would probably be set.  It’s not like you don’t know how to do laundry or whatever.  You climbed into the seat directly behind the driver and Bro got into the seat next to him to give his request and money.

It wasn’t a very long drive to the Houston Airport, but it was enough that you were glad you were being driven.  When at last you saw planes seeming dangerously close to the roof of the taxi, you felt your heart leap up into your throat with all your excitement.  The small smirky smile Bro was giving you over his shoulder caught your attention and you couldn’t tone down your excited grin.  How many twelve year olds got to go from Texas to Japan for a month in the summer?  That’s right, a total of _Dave fucking Strider._   You heard Bro laugh from the front seat and saw him shake his head, beginning to watch out his door window for the place you would be dropped off.

Once the taxi came to a stop at the curb, you clambered out just as quickly as you did on your way in.

“Excited there?” Bro laughed again.

You shot him a bit of a sarcastic look because that was a stupid question that didn’t even deserve a sarcastic crack.

“Thought so.  Come on, let me grab my own shit, then we’ll go get in to bag check and our gate.”

You nodded and slipped your backpack on over your shoulders, grabbed your suitcase and one of Bro’s (just to expedite the process of getting the hell into the airport), and marched right over to the doors.  Bro came a few seconds later and you gave an impatient snort.

“Chill the fuck out, lil’ man.  The plane’s going at the same time whether we’re in in like four seconds or not.  It’s all good.  We have a few hours.”

“A few _hours_?”

“Have you never been on an airplane?”

“No!”

“Well here’s the thing: we get here early so as to allow for traffic, bag check, grab shit to eat, loading onto the plane, then liftoff.  So yes, a few hours.”

“Fucking incredible.”

“Also, you can’t say anything about weaponry or anything in the building.”

“Did you not bring the katana?”

“There are plenty of katana in Japan, believe it or not.”

“But they’d be different from ours, right?  Like any instrument, all weapons are different.”

“True and wide words indeed.  But no, I didn’t get ours.”

You shrugged again and decided to let the subject drop.  This airport was _ridiculously fucking enormous_.  The line to bag check was _ridiculously fucking long_.  The fast food and newspaper places were _ridiculously fucking everywhere_.

“So I don’t suppose this is what a typical airport looks like…?”

“Hah!  No.  Some are better, some are worse.”

“Fucking ridiculous.”

~*~*~*~*~

“That took forever,” you complained.  You were finally seated in the airplane with your backpack on your lap and Bro on the aisle seat.

“Yup.  Airports have a habit of taking forever.”

He clipped his seatbelt and nodded at yours so you would do the same.

“Now for another hour till liftoff and twelve until we land.”

“What?!”

“I’m being completely serious.”

“Fuck you, no you’re not.”

“I’m not.”

“Really not?”

“When am I ever?”

“Thank god.”

Bro laughed at your exasperated groan and shuffled his own carryon under the seat in front of him.

“It will be a long flight and shit but there’s plenty of time to sleep on the trip over.  You’ll manage alright.”

You shrugged and looked out the window until the plane _fucking finally_ started to move.  Actually, it was pretty cool to watch out the window as you took off.  You didn’t realize the ground was so far away so quickly until you blinked and saw a car decrease in size to approximately fill the area of your fingernail within that moment.

“Air travel is cool.”

“Yeah, it’s exciting for the first like twenty minutes.  I’m gonna probably go to sleep soon.”

“But it’s only like ten.”

Bro turned to give you a look.

“Time differences, amigo.  I’m gonna catch some shut eye while I’m not missing anything.”

“Alright, whatever.  Have fun with that.”

“I will.”

You stared out the window and watched the world fly by underneath you until you eventually fell asleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo, alright chapter two! Dave is going to have to deal with a flight change and some surprises when he wakes up. Good luck baby. I don't have any other notes, really, but thank you very much for the appreciation for my dumb little story so far. uwu <3 See you next time.


	3. Everybody's a Creeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer is simultaneously breezing by and dragging on. You're learning a lot, including but not limited to universal respect, a desire to snoop for information, the extent of your distaste for puppets, and god almighty how terrible airplanes are. Good thing you'll never have to get on an airplane full of puppets. You would probably scream.

_You pulled out your phone to check the time for the umpteenth time that afternoon (or morning or evening or whatever - you couldn’t tell what time it was supposed to be; your phone was still on Texas time and you didn’t know quite how to change it), praying that you could get out of the goddamn airport soon.  You had to change planes in California, which was truly a terrifying experience and completed with a two hour layover.  But standing there you looked around and all you saw was the unfamiliar language and a fuckton of bustling people.  Bro was at an information desk or whatever and you had zero idea that he actually knew how to speak Japanese, but you supposed that was very helpful seeing as you two were staying in Japan for an actual month.  When he finally bowed his thanks and turned to walk toward you, you had to bite back an obnoxiously loud groan to express your boredom and impatience.  Stop it, Dave.  That is a totally childish thing to do._

_Bro gave you a nod and picked up most of the luggage and gestured that you follow him.  You were all too glad to follow him out of that damned crowded place and get moving and actually see some of Japan now._

_Well, unfortunately, there really wasn’t that much to see yet, since it turned out that it was grossly dark and the hotel wasn’t far from the airport.  (“Jesus, Bro, why did you have to pick someplace that’s gonna be loud and gross?”)  You waited (“Again with the waiting.”) for Bro to check in then helped carry stuff up to your third floor room.  And there, Bro shuffled to the other end of the room and flopped down to go to sleep almost immediately.  You couldn’t say you were surprised, but you were still surprised and kind of irritated.  You looked around the room, but didn’t bother turning on the light.  It would just be easier to go to sleep, too, to keep with the time schedule or whatever.  You didn’t even care._

 

Chapter 3:  Everybody's a Creeper

 

It seemed as though the month in Japan was spanning forever, but that was absolutely fine with you.  Within the past three weeks, you had already gone to a very informal two-hours-a-day, five-day-a-week mixed martial arts club, Disney in Tokyo was weird as hell but completely fucking amazing, you’d gone to a maid café (courtesy of Bro, who taught you to be very nice to the people who work there - genuinely nice, not a fake douche for anything; it was kind of refreshing to know that he was a good person and shit regardless of his aloof exterior), there was this huge manga library that was both impressive and alarming, and you rode the bullet trains twice while accompanying Bro to meetings or something.  Japan was turning out to be pretty much as awesome as you had hoped, and more in some cases.

But as it was, you were spending this evening hanging out in the lobby area of the hotel while Bro had a “colleague” in the room for a meeting.  You thought that wasn’t really appropriate, that he was probably doing something fucking gross with him, but on the other hand, that was Bro’s business - and he was trying to teach you to be kind and courteous and respectful to people who worked in what seemed like socially taboo or gross or weird or whatever their circumstances.  You had decided a long time ago that you would try to match his level of chillness over basically everything and that included cutely dressed café maid not-quite prostitutes, literal actual prostitutes, and whatever it was that Bro did in his room on his own or with that other guy.

It must have been hours that they were up there in their “meeting.”  Part of you wanted to go up and interrupt to remind them that you were still there.  Part of you knew you shouldn’t.  You decided to go up anyway.  You made your way down the hall toward the room and nervously put your hand on the door.  You had to take a few breaths to prepare yourself, count to ten in Japanese and list as many colors as you could.  Well, you ended up waiting several minutes by practicing your very limited Japanese in your head, but you got your determined ass in gear and shove the door open.

The room was silent.

 _Too_ silent.

Actually it turned out both men were clothed and sitting by Bro’s open laptop which revealed disgusting displays of numbers and equations, all placed and positioned to stimulate perversely mathematical minds.

“That’s not what I was expecting at all.”

Bro blinked at you.  You couldn’t see his eyes, but you could practically feel his blink from all the way across the room.  It was a powerful blink, that’s what it was, and it chilled you to the bone.

“Lil man, what are you doing?”

You were very acutely aware that the two are staring at you with deep irritation.

“I was just… uh…”

“Listen, this is important.  Bro’s gotta finish work, kiddo.  Could you go to like the manga museum or whatever until I get you in like another hour?  Then we can have dinner and talk but I seriously need to finish this.”

You were very startled and intimidated by his tone and as a result nodded numbly and headed back out of the room and back to the lobby, careful to close the door behind you.

~*~*~*~*~

Bro had decided it was a good evening for a sugoi picnic at a kawaii desu park so the two of you could have a genuine, honest kokoro-to-kokoro over onigiri and melon soda because that is what fucking grown-ass weeaboo trash does.  Like, as if that would taste right together anyway.  But whatever.

“Sorry for barking at you earlier.”

“’S fine.”

You ate in silence while Bro tried to make conversation and get the kokoro-to-kokoro started.

“Whatcha do today?”

“Write, mostly.  Wish I could get internet connection and understand what the hell the login is asking me.”

“There’s an English option.”

“Yes but that’s more expensive so I go internet-less.”

“Brave man.”

“It happens.”

“Get down anything good?”

You shrugged.  Bro persisted.

“Whatcha write about?”

“Mostly tentacle monsters.”

Bro hid his snicker poorly, and you neglected to respond to it.  You finished off your soda and looked over at him.

“Who did _you_ do today?”

“Robots,” he shrugged.  “Worked with robots and that guy was interested in investing in some of the technology I’m trying to develop, then got really fucking confused when you barged in.  Doesn’t matter though, he pitched in and commissioned me for copies of a few of my past projects.”

“Oh.”

“What?”

“I dunno, I expected something different.”

“Hmm?”

“Like weird or something.  You just seem like you’d do something weird.  You seem like a young guy so robotics are not what I would expect of you.”

“You fucking dweeb, I’m not gonna tell you.”

“Not tell me what?”

“Not telling you.”

“What your robots are actually for?”

“What, fisticuffs, what’s up with that?”

“Yeah, sure.  Fistingcuffs.”

“You don’t even know what fisting is.”

“I know you gotta be doing something weird with work.”

“How so?”

“Smuppets, Bro, they’re fucking everywhere.”

“Hah!”

You felt like you were getting somewhere, but also nowhere.  Bro was a frustrating person.

“Are you even legal?”

“I’m rolling my eyes at you behind my anime shades in the Japanese sunset.”

“How old are you?”

“Still not tellin’ ya.”

You sat up incredulously.

“Are you actually a teenager?!”

“Do I actually look like a teenager?”

“Well, I mean, no, but-”

“I ain’t a teenager.  I ain’t _that_ stupid.”

“Brooooooooooo!”

You groaned and flopped back on the grassy ground.  You would definitely get to the bottom of this.  He was doing something dirty and you would find out.  Someday.  Somehow.  But you would let it rest for now.  You looked up at him to find that he had slid down onto the grass adjacent to you like any typical poster art from a popular anime.  This time it was your turn to roll your eyes at Bro and just look up at the blue-black sky, which was, of course, shielded by tree leaves and paled by street lamps behind you a way.

“I think it’s bedtime.”

You took a deep breath and let it out slowly and audibly.

“Yeah.”

“We head home in about four days.  You might wanna consider packing and shit.”

You gave him a skeptical look, which he mimicked.

“We can take care of that as it comes.”

“Yeah.”

You laughed for the first time in what felt like forever and pushed yourself up from the ground to head back to the hotel for a good night’s rest and your last few days in Japan.

~*~*~*~*~

Getting home had been a nightmare.  Jesus, you thought getting out of America on your first flight ever was hard, but coming back _in_ was another whole goddamn story.  You were so disoriented.  You couldn’t figure out what time it was even though it was light out and clocks were basically everywhere.  You felt like your ordinarily acute sense of timing was forever ruptured by the long flight over the pacific then from LA back to Houston and dear _lord_ why was it even fucking _legal_ to get off one plane ride that goddamn long just to get on a-fucking-nother one.  This was one of those times when you resented living on the top floor of the apartment building.  At least you only had your one bag and backpack.  You thought it was awesome that you managed to work out of one suitcase for a month.  Granted, Bro had brought basically everything you’d never thought to grab and also you had to buy a toothbrush because you’re so dumb you forgot yours on the fucking sink but whatever.

Bro didn’t seem tired at all, carrying his shit into the little elevator then up the last flight of stairs.  You took the liberty of unlocking the door and shuffled to your room, where you proceeded to then drop everything in your hands and collapse onto your bed until god only knows when.  You listen to Bro shuffling around out in the kitchen area and drop clothes in a pile by the fridge so he would remember to do the laundry in the morning or whenever.  The familiarity of your own room was so refreshing and comforting, but also alarmingly different from what you had gotten used to in the past month.  You groped around blindly for your headphones so you could just get lost in some music until you fell asleep.  Bro slept easily on the airplanes but you didn’t understand that.  Now you just had to get used to sleeping in your own room for about four days straight.

All of a sudden you’re sitting straight upright and your heart was in your throat and you were filled with this strange terror, but you couldn’t describe what it was.  You stared around your room blindly, the greyness of early morning sun illuminating everything inside dully.  You were breathing heavily, almost gasping for air, and finally you were able to see and comprehend.  It was just your room.  You were just home.  Nothing was out of the ordinary; you must have had a nightmare or something.  That was all, nothing big.

Except you didn’t remember that guy being there… that puppet.  Lil Cal.  He was Bro’s favorite, and he has often carried the grotesque little guy with buggy blue eyes around.  Maybe Bro just snuck in here to put him in your room to freak you out.  You didn’t think that was within his ordinary character, but maybe that was just an ordinary ironic trick.

“Ha, ha, very clever,” you muttered.  You tore your eyes away from the floppy thing and wrapped yourself up in your blankets to see if you could steal another few hours of sleep.  That was proving to be very difficult, so you scrunched your nose in irritation and groped for your laptop to message John.  It must have been like five in the a.m., so like three-ish for John.  You didn’t care.  You just had to not think about Lil Cal for a bit.

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist at 04:56 --**

**TG:  do you ever just wake up in the middle of the night and just not know why**

**TG:  i must say it is honestly a little bit disconcerting**

**TG:  although it is no longer the middle of the night**

**TG:  in fact it is indeed quite solidly morning now**

**TG:  if 5am counts as morning**

**TG:  im like 99.999999999999 percent certain that 5am is an illegal time to preferably not exist**

**TG:  see look it shouldnt even be a thing bc i cant even type a good solid real sentence**

**TG:  me**

**TG:  the sole master of the english language**

**TG:  completely and utterly incapable of crafting a single witty or snide remark about the time of day because it is exactly too goddamn early to even do so**

**TG:  wait hold on im getting a new message**

**TG:  ????????????????????????????????**

**TG:  idefk ill talk to you soon okay**

**\-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 05:37 --**

**\-- tentacleTherapist began pestering turntechGodhead at 05:12 --**

**TT:  Hello?**

**TT:  Are you Dave Strider?**

**TG:  woah woah woah hold the fuckity fuckin shit up who the hell are you**

**TT:  Oh, my apologies.  I have a friend who seems to know a friend of yours, and she was telling me that I must speak with you.  My name is Rose Lalonde.**

**TG:  oooookay thats not hells of goddamn scary what are you talking about.**

**TT:  My friend Jade is close with John, whom I assume to be the boy you are so fond of communicating with on an incessant basis.  Jade tells me that she can hardly speak with John anymore due to the fact of his enthusiastic blather about you, Dave.**

**TG:  and so you hunt me down because**

**TT:  Well, I was curious, naturally.  I had to find out what this person that is stealing my dear Jade’s best friend is like.  I had to make sure you were a safe person for him to be speaking with.**

**TG:  and so to do this you pull some wicked sick, borderline actually fucking revolting stalker moves and search the world wide interwebs for me**

**TG:  just to make sure im cool**

**TT:  Yes.**

**TG:  well lil lady i can one hundred and fourteen percent guarantee that i am indeed very cool**

**TT:  You certainly seem to be so.**

**TG:  yeah so thank you for creeping rose your opinion is valued I swear**

**TT:  I think I will maintain contact with you until I have cleared all doubts from my mind.**

**TG:  wow**

**TG:  okay thanks**

**TT:  You’re welcome.**

**TT:  Goodbye for now.  We will be speaking again soon, or so Jade tells me.  I don’t doubt her in the slightest.**

**TG:  chills run down my spine**

**TG:  the creepy purple girl sends an eerie message to the flippant boy in red**

**TG:  so it begins**

**TG:  the story of their intertwined fates**

**TG:  and ultimately**

**TG:  their deaths**

**TT:  Haha, that does sound like an appropriate analysis of our present situation, I believe.  I think I like you.**

**TG:  well thanks a million**

**TT:  But of course, Dave.**

**TG:  okay well it is kinda almost 6 am and im gonna go see if i can get some food**

**TT:  Good day.**

**\-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering tentacleTherapist at 05:58 --**

You blinked at the screen when the lavender text cleared away.  Your heart was no longer in your throat, but your stomach was doing somersaults.  You were just basically internet stalked by a girl who was a friend of a friend of a friend.  That’s three friends removed.  That’s gross and scary.  You shivered and checked to see if John was up yet, which he wasn’t, before shutting the laptop.  You ran a hand over your face with a tired sigh then grabbed your shades off the bedside table and rolled out of bed.  As soon as you opened your bedroom door, the wall of air conditioned coldness slammed into you, making you realize that Jesus shit your room was fucking hot.  You left your door open and groaned into the air conditioning, shuffling over to the fridge.  Stupid fucking jet lag messing with your head.

The hairs on the back of your neck prickled when you chugged the apple juice you’d fished out of the fridge, and you turned around just in time for an early morning strife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Character development and character introduction are important things. Let's see if I'll ever get any good at it. This chapter was terrible to write and I'm sorry if it was terrible to read, but we got through it, didn't we? Summer break is coming and I gotta get Dave and friends back in school. uwu


	4. Birthdays and Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit man. Everything is happening all at once. It's actually a little bit overwhelming. You won't say that out loud, but it still is. Why didn't you think to rap to your diary to handle this mess? It probably would have helped you more, but whatever. You don't make the rules and you can't go back in time to change things.

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering tentacleTherapist at 19:32 --**

**TG:  hey what up**

**TT:  Not a whole lot at this moment.  I would ordinarily be preparing for a birthday party, but the majority of my acquaintances are presently unavailable for attendance.**

**TG:  wait your birthday is soon**

**TG:  no way mine too whens yours**

**TT:  Well, that is remarkable.  Mine is on this coming Monday, so I thought I should invite people over this weekend... however, my mother does cause me some concern.**

**TG:  mom problems huh**

**TT:  You don’t know the half of it.**

**TG:  haha i bet**

**TG:  actually mines on sunday**

**TT:  This Sunday?**

**TG:  yeah p cool huh**

**TG:  our birthdays a day apart and all**

**TT:  We could have a conjoined internet party.**

**TG:  do it up**

**TT:  Perhaps I will.**

**TG:  hell yeah haha that would be funny**

**TG:  we could invite john and jade and all**

**TT:  It’s Jade’s birthday tomorrow.**

**TG:  oh my god no**

**TT:  Oh my god yes.**

**TG:  dude**

**TG:  if you have no other internet buddies**

**TG:  john is the only one in our little group that doesnt have a birthday in December**

**TT:  Yes, this is true.**

**TT:  And so immediately close to one another.**

**TG:  jades 1, im 3, youre 4**

**TG:  then johns all the way out there on 4/13**

**TG:  fucking nerd ass baby**

**TT:  True and true again.**

**TG:  what that hes a fucking nerd ass baby**

**TT:  You said it, not me.**

**TG:  throwing some shade i see**

**TG:  high fucking five**

**TT:  Back atcha.**

**TG:  woah was that some slang there**

**TG:  excuse you bitch was that some fucking slang in your language**

**TT:  Perhaps it was. :)**

**TG:  and a smiley face**

**TG:  turn down**

**TG:  literally oh my god i cannot take all this**

**TG:  listen up world**

**TG:  rose lalonde has officially gone off the deep end over here**

**TT:  Haha!  Dave, come on.  Just because I have extensive mastery of vocabulary and grammar does not mean that I can’t have fun.**

**TG:  did i ever explicitly state that i doubted your fine ass vocabulary or grammatical mastery**

**TT:  Nah.**

**TG:  holy fucking fuck in a bucket look at that you did it again**

**TG:  uh**

**TG:  you still there**

**TG:  hello**

**TG:  rose youve been inactive for like 576487368523497927357 years**

**TG:  watch it or im gonna start dropping something hot all on your inbox**

**TG:  namely myself**

**TG:  and sweet, sweet rhymes**

**TG:  to sweeter, sweeter beats**

**TT:  No need, Dave, I’m here.  I was just wrapping Jade’s present, and now beginning one for you, too.**

**TG:  what no way really**

**TG:  no way you really dont have to do that**

**TT:  That’s why it’s called a “gift,” Dave.  I’m making it for you because you are my friend and I want to.**

**TG:  jesus christ shes making it**

**TG:  fabricating it with her own two hands**

**TG:  you do have two hands right**

**TT:  Yes.**

**TG:  with her own two hands**

**TG:  god almighty that is utterly incredible**

**TT:  Well if you want to ever receive it, I think I may have to disconnect for now.  You go have fun with Bro or John or someone, and I’ll see if it is even remotely within the range of possibility to have this done for you in time.**

**TG:  hey no worries lil lady**

**TG:  it dont really matter whether it gets done or here or whatever**

**TG:  this is one of those instances in which its the thought that counts**

**TT:  Haha, alright.  I’ll see about it anyway.  Take care.**

**TG:  back atcha**

**TT:  You are also a giant nerd ass baby and I do hope you realize this.**

**TG:  B)**

**\-- tentacleTherapist ceased pestering turntechGodhead at 21:45 --**

Chapter Four:  Birthdays and Surprises

 

You tapped away on his computer in order to search for and find Jade.  You still actually didn’t know her last name.  That didn’t matter, you had two mutual friends.  Obviously she was a very trustworthy character.  You searched through Rose’s contacts and - oh, look, there she is.  That must be her, given the fact that Rose only had two other contacts that weren’t you, and one of them was John.

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering gardenGnostic at 22:03 --**

**TG:  hi**

**GG:  hi! :D**

**TG:  so uh**

**TG:  yeah**

**TG:  hi im dave**

**GG:  i know!! hi dave im jade! it’s so nice to actually meet you!!!!!!!! :D**

**TG:  yeah i can see that it would be**

**GG:  hehe! i’ve heard a lot about you and i’m so glad to speak with you now! though honestly i did expect you a little bit earlier than now....**

**TG:  hey a man needs his beauty rest**

**TG:  dont matter if it takes like fucking months to get around to messaging you**

**TG:  you cant rush perfection**

**GG:  hehe! how silly of me, of course!!!**

**TG:  you use a lot of them exclamation points there**

**GG:  hehe i guess i do!! it’s just because i’m really excited to meet you!!!!! :D**

**TG:  yeah so you’ve said**

**TG:  its cool to meet you too**

**TG:  i mean**

**TG:  i dont think i actually said that to you yet so its nice to meet you too**

**GG:  omg! that’s so cute of you :D**

**GG:  thanks!!! :D**

**TG:  yeah so rose told me its your birthday tomorrow**

**GG:  :O yeah it is!!!!!!!!**

**GG:  and yours is in just a few days, am i correct?**

**TG:  yep**

**GG:  oh man! that’s so cool!!!!! :D**

**GG:  our birthdays are all so close!!!!!!!**

**GG:  we could have a party together or something!!!!! haha wow!**

**TG:  mhm**

**TG:  yeah rose and i discussed this a little bit ago**

**GG:  uh-huh!**

**TG:  does she relay like everything we talk about to you cuz you seem right on top of things**

**GG:  uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh.......! yeah i think so!!**

**TG: think so**

**GG:  yeah!!**

**GG:  i mean sometimes john tells me things too!**

**GG:  but i cant actually remember sometimes who says what :(**

**GG:  but all that said i know youre a really really good guy!!!! :D**

**TG:  aww shucks thanks**

**GG:  hehe!**

**TG:  i actually dont know a whole lot about you though so**

**GG:  well! im 12, hehe, until tomorrow!! and i wear glasses and i like gardening and cartoons and bright happy colors!!!!!**

**TG:  do you like comical hilarity**

**GG:  yes i do!!**

**TG:  aw sweet im gonna send you something for your birthday**

**GG:  :O!!!!!!!!!!!**

**TG:  youre welcome**

**GG:  oh man that’s so cooooool of you!!!!! :D**

**GG:  thanks so much!!!!!!!!!!!! <3**

**TG:  anytime**

**TG:  actually this one is special just for your birthday**

**TG:  welcome to teenagehood**

**TG:  you get a special surprise based on hilarious comical antics of the highest quality**

**GG:  oh wow!!!!! :D thanks so much!!!!!!! hehe! :D :D :D**

**TG:  dont mention it**

**GG:  okay! ;D my lips are sealed!! hehe!**

**TG:  good girl**

**TG:  good little hyper girl**

**GG:  heyy!!!!!!! im not a dog, you don’t have to treat me like one :(**

**TG:  oh damn did that come across as offensive as that shit im so sorry**

**GG:  :D its okay!!!! im teasing!!!!**

**GG:  i love dogs!**

**GG:  i have one!!! his name is bec :D**

**TG:  no way really**

**TG:  first of all i see i was burned bad**

**TG:  secondly dogs are fuckin rad as hell**

**GG:  yeah! its weird but sometimes i wish i was one because theyre so happy and free and playful and i just love dogs!!!!!!**

**TG:  i feel it**

**GG:  yeah? :D**

**TG:  totally man i feel it**

**GG:  hehe!!! awesome :D**

**GG:  oh shoot, speaking of bec, i have to go :(**

**GG:  sorry dave!!!!!**

**TG:  its cool**

**TG:  go take care of your dog**

**GG:  okay!!!!!! :D**

**GG:  see you later then!!!!!!!**

**GG:  bye! talk to you soon!!!!**

**TG:  later**

**\-- gardenGnostic ceased pestering turntechGodhead at 00:04 --**

You were surprised at the time when it flashed on your screen.  Had you really been talking that long?  Well, yeah, of course you have.  You technically still had school tomorrow.  Today.  Friday.  It didn’t matter.  You sighed and logged out of pesterChum and turned toward your bed, but you were missing John.  You hadn’t spoken with him in a week; you had no idea where John was but you were very worried about him.  Bro was teasing you about liking him.  You always argued that you didn’t, but you were beginning to worry that jesus shit you might like your internet bro.

Fuckity no thanks.

~*~*~*~*~

“But it’s _Friday_ and my _birthday_ is on Sunday!”

“No!  I’m still not driving you!”

“What the fuck is your problem with driving me to school?!  What if I just hate the bus, or, or like, what if I want special treatment for once?  God, Bro, you’re such a jackass sometimes!”

“Well it ain’t your fucking birthday yet!  You’re being selfish, let a man to his work and you can keep your job as a student to yourself!”

“Fuck you, why don’t you ever drive me anywhere, like, fucking _ever_?!  It’s unfair!”

“It ain’t unfair!  I got work and you got whatever you do!”

“Oh, shut up, you’re probably not even in your thirties yet, you can’t be _that_ far removed from student life!”

“Still not telling and yes, actually, much farther removed than most people!”

“Can you please just fucking not do this to me today?  Stop being such a jackass?”

“Can you stop fucking antagonizing me?!”

“Fine.  Fine!  Fucking… whatever.  Whatever.  Bye.”

You growled and grabbed your schoolbag off the kitchen table and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door behind you.  You heard a crash when you were halfway down the stairs signifying Bro breaking things.  You didn’t fucking care.  You just didn’t.  You made your way out to the bus stop and scowled at everybody who looked at you.  Very mature, Dave, very mature.

~*~*~*~*~

The rest of the day wasn’t a whole lot better.  Your bus ran late, you failed another history test, you didn’t see Mark until the end of the day but he didn’t even get on the bus because he had to go meet his mom at the gas station and he didn’t even bring your birthday present he was talking up so big!  Well, like, you knew you couldn’t really be demanding of him for something that he voluntarily got for you, but you really could’ve fucking used a happy surprise right about then.  And of course, as was becoming increasingly noticeable, your thoughts kept wandering to John, wondering what he was doing at that time or how he was feeling.  He was probably wishing Jade a happy birthday, because it had to be _somebody’s_ happy birthday.  You tried not to be grumpy about that, but everything sucked.  Everything.  Just.  Sucked.

You shuffled out of the school building with the masses of students and sat on the garden wall to wait for your bus.  At least it wasn’t actually raining on you.  It was overcast, but whatever.  An obnoxious car horn called your attention soon after that observation was made and of course you _had_ to look for its source, and when you did see it you were very surprised to see Bro’s van in the pick up line.

“What…?”

You saw his arm hanging out of the driver’s seat and couldn’t help your jaw dropping in surprise.  He was really here in his really real van to really pick you up from school.  Incredible.  You scooped up your shit and jogged over.

“Bro!”

“Shh.  Just.  Shh.”

“You’re here though.  I thought you were morally opposed to visiting the middle school.”

“I am.”

“Ever gonna tell me why?”

“Not if I can manage to pull out of the fucking parking lot before someone….”

“Before someone what?”

“Sees.”

“Sees what, oh my god.”

“The van!  They’ll think it’s creepy and weird and - god fucking damn it I knew it.”

“Knew what?!” you pressed.  Bro was being unreasonable.  Obviously he was trying to make amends by picking you up for literally the first time since you’d even gotten to live with him, but it was a pretty piss-poor attempt with his half-assed efforts to even talk to you about anything.  Again.  But you saw what was up soon enough: a very irate looking history teacher of yours walking in that brisk fashion teachers seem to have when very disgruntled.

“Dirk Strider, what are you doing here?”

“Picking up my kid, Damien.”

“Yes.  So I see.  I’m not the only one who knows you.  Stop.  Please, if you are able, would you use some other vehicle than your van?”

“I’m aware that you and some friends stopped by before, but you’re all where you are here, teaching at the school.  I don’t see why you’re so worried.”

“I’m worried about the kids.”

“So you’ve said.  Have I ever honestly given any air of threat to the kids?”

“No, but-”

“Then what’s your point?”

“My _point_ , Dirk, is that you really shouldn’t be here and…” (he glanced at you and back at Dir- Bro in under a second) “… and I just want to make sure everything is safe and-”

“You’re repeating yourself, sugar,” Bro said with a smile.  You couldn’t place quite what it was about that smile, but it was just way too sweet.  Maybe too forced.  But it seemed so natural.  You shivered and looked away from your teacher.  You always thought he hated you.  Now you just gotta weasel it out of Bro.  But hopefully not with that smile.  Something was off there.

“Dirk.”

Obviously your teacher noticed it as well.

“Damien.”

Bro’s not fucking around now, lord have mercy.

“Just go, Strider.  Just.  Go.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to do, bucko.  Seeya later.”

Dirk put up the windows and finally was able to drive off.  The van was overtaken by a tense silence as you tried to process what just happened.

“So apparently you know my history teacher?”

Dirk gave a terse nod in response.

“… Do you wanna tell me how?”

“Bar.”

You blinked.

“Care to expound upon that very highly emotionally invested statement?”

“No.”

“You have to tell me.  I’m, like, legally obligated.  We’re brothers and you’re sorta my guardian so you gotta let me know what’s actually up.”

“No, lil’ man, I actually don’t gotta do anything.  If anyone’s gotta do anything, _you’ve_ gotta learn how to mind your own business like a Strider man should.”

You gave an incredulous scoff and stared straight ahead.

“Literally, what the actual fuck.”

“God _damn_ it, David Strider, I swear to fucking god that I will…!”

“You will what?”

“I’ll ship you to New York.”

“Child abuse.  Threats.  Maybe I’ll run away.  Maybe I’ll find some _other_ senile old man and hide him from cops.  What are you going to do now?”

You knew you really should have just shut your goddamn yap and allowed Bro to simmer down quietly and this whole mess pass over, but it was a big deal.  It was a really big and important deal.  You had to know something about Dirk Strider, and as it stood, all you really knew at that point was that he wrote shitty comics just for the ironies and he made probably illegal robots and he made dick shaped puppet characters and he used to store weapons in his kitchen appliances.  What the fuck kind of person was he?  You were beginning to feel frightened for your life.

Bro was so furious at that moment that his knuckles were white with his intense grip of the steering wheel and his jaw was clenched just as tightly.  He was silent even though you’d expected him to bark or maybe physically kick you out of the van or slice your throat or something, but he wasn’t doing any of those things.

“I DJ at clubs and shit.  I’m really fucking good and long story short, your teacher and a bunch of his teaching buddies went to a place I was working one night and….  Like, you get it.  Don’t you?  Do I have to actually explain this verbally to you?”

You didn’t want to press him because you didn’t want to be disemboweled, but you risked a glance at his face to encourage him to keep going.  You saw he recognized your silent persistence and pursed his lips in irritation.

“He saw me… uh, flirting.  With another guy.  Yeah.  And he didn’t like that.  Oh yeah, by the way, I’m not into girls at all.  But basically Damien-”

“Mr. Howl,” you interjected.

“Mr. Howl.  Whatever.  He thought that was gross and basically now I’m branded in the whole fucking city as something along the lines of ‘DIRK STRIDER: GIANT FUCKING GAY WHORE’ or something like that, with what I would guess is fan-added ‘CHILD MOLESTER AND ALSO A RAPIST THAT WILL STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIEND DESPITE THE ABOVE MENTIONED GAY PART.’  So I’m not popular.”

“So you don’t do things with me in public.”

“So you don’t get branded ‘CHILD UNDER UNLAWFUL CUSTODY OF THAT DIRK JACKASS.’”

You nodded once shallowly and returned your stare to the window.

“Like, it doesn’t fucking matter.  I don’t even fucking care.  They can rip me all they like, but you’re just a tyke.  You still gotta train up, kiddo.  It’s tough out there.”

“So mixed martial arts in Texas against homophobia.”

“Among other things.”

How many silent stretches could be fit into a nine minute drive between school and home?  It was like the two of you were trying to break some kind of record or something.

“So basically you’re a gay DJ.  A genius gay DJ who makes hella robots and gross puppets for pornography.”

“Basically.”

“So the puppet porn is a thing.”

“Not if you don’t talk about it.  I mean there are some creepy weird fucks on the internet.  There are people who sexualize cartoon horses.  I do it cuz they pay for it.  If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t.  That’s all.”

“So you want to do puppet porn?”

“Ironically.”

“I don’t get it.”

“It’s a higher level irony, obviously.”

“That’s fucking gross.  That’s about the grossest thing I’ve ever fucking heard of.”

“I don’t fucking care.”

“Obviously not.

You finally reached home and you tumbled out of the car easily even with your backpack and lunchbox and all that shit.  You headed on up without Bro, leaving him to do whatever until he came up to the apartment.  You chucked your stuff down on your bedroom floor once upstairs and flopped back on your bed.

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist at 16:02 --**

**TG:  i was right about the puppet porn**

**TG:  idk if he wanted to use me as a cameo**

**TG:  doubting that now**

**TG:  he is officially a gay genius robot puppet pornmaster dj**

**TG:  and i also dont really want to ever speak with him again**

**TG:  but that is beside the point**

**TG:  the point is**

**TG:  well**

**TG:  actually**

**TG:  idk if i really do have a point**

**TG:  i just**

**TG:  nah**

**TG:  nevermind**

**TG:  imam go to bed**

**TG:  i dont even care**

**TG:  i aint even mad**

**TG:  message me when you can**

**TG:  later**

**\-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 17:38 --**

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering gardenGnostic at 17:39 --**

**TG:  hey jade**

**TG:  happy birthday**

**TG:  idk how to send you a physical thing**

**TG:  but heres a poster from the sick comic my bro writes**

**TG:  sending file**

**TG:  still sending**

**TG:  sendingggggg**

**TG:  gfdi why isnt it going through**

**TG:  whatever**

**TG:  i have subzero idea what time zone you are in so youre prob asleep right now**

**TG:  whatever**

**TG:  ill talk to you sometime then**

**TG:  night**

**\-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering gardenGnostic at 17:52 --**

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering tentacleTherapist at 17:56 --**

**TG:  rose please tell me youre online**

**TG:  please this is important**

**TG:  but of course youre not you still have like two hours of school to go**

**TG:  whatever**

**TG:  john is out doing something**

**TG:  jade is prob celebrating**

**TG:  i had a pile of shit instead of a Friday**

**TG:  bro is an infamous scoundrel**

**TG:  i dont really know what to do and im freaking out bc im like 99% certain he hates me and i dont really wanna ever talk to him again for a while**

**TG:  okay so that sentence contradicted itself stfu**

**TG:  i dont care anymore im going to bed goodnight**

**\-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering tentacleTherapist at 18:34 --**

You shut your laptop, not bothering to turn it off, and shoved it under your pillow.  Maybe if Lil Cal woke you in the middle of the night again you could more easily ask a friend for help dealing with creepy ass ventriloquist dolls.  Sure you could get up and remove him from your room, but at the same time, you just found yourself basically completely incapable of retaining control of your large motor skills when Lil Cal was around, not to mention you’d probably trip over lots of shit on your way to chuck him tenderly onto the couch.  But as for that moment, there was no puppet in your room, and you took that moment to wrap yourself up tightly in your blankets and very much not cry any manly tears at all because you were very much not scared or mad or hurt.

Okay, well, maybe just the tiniest bit of each.

You bit your pillow to not let out terrified sobs.  Terrified that Bro hated you, terrified that your teachers hated you (more than you thought, anyway), terrified that kids at school would find out and kick the shit out of you.  Terrified that your internet friends would hate you for messaging them over such pointless shit in the middle of their day or whenever, just to get mad that they weren’t devoting all of their time to you and your little rants, and hate that you so willingly mold yourself in the image of such a disgusting person.  Terrified that you would wake up to the sharp blue eyes of a grotesque floppy gape-mouthed puppet.  Terrified that John has been purposely distancing himself from you.

Alright, so you cried a lot that night.  You had reason to.  There were like four and a half hours until it was technically your birthday, but all you could do was wallow in stupid self-pity.  You resented the feeling and wanted to never feel it again.  Cool guys don’t cry like a fucking baby.  Cool guys also don’t have perverted young men as their guardians.  You weren’t cool.  You didn’t care.  Cool was the last thing you cared about at that moment.  You had plenty of people who thought you were cool.  You had internet, capability of mixing sick beats, a hella comfy bed, and could order in anything at any time.  You were set.

Except tonight you couldn’t stop crying.  Everything hurt.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Your crying was interrupted by a sound from the laptop you apparently didn’t shut all the way.  Someone messaged you back on pesterChum.  Right then, you didn’t want to even read their message.  You didn’t want to see who it was; you were done talking for the day.  Who the fuck would be so rudely impinging on your private moping time?

**\-- gallowsCalibrator began trolling turntechGodhead at 18:45 --**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen as I carefully do more research on canon Homestuck events than for my gov homework  
> Oops so I supplemented some details for shits, giggles, and plot advancement  
> So sue me  
> Yes yes this chapter is twice as long as usual and I pounded this thing out in like no time at all when the last one was gonna be half as long as it turned out to be and took me forever to do  
> That's just the way these things work  
> B) see you later alligators


	5. Sburb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time is getting short: John's birthday is almost here and you still have yet to return to speaking terms with Bro, as well as find an appropriate way to deal with the stupid kids trolling you. Oh shit, it's a short chapter!! Will you be able to meet all these goals?

_John’s birthday was coming up and you only had to hope that his present would get there in time.  Rose never actually got to send you whatever she was fabricating with her own two hands, but that didn’t really matter.  John sent you shades, but not just any shades - they were the shades of Ben Stiller.  The real, actual, authentic Ben Stiller shades that he totally did wear.  You totally were not going to wear them because you had a moral opposition to shades in general anymore (you and Bro were still not on easy speaking terms from like half a year ago (Jesus fucking shit was it really that long since you’ve had a real conversation?! (but like at least you were still trying to communicate through ironies and then he pulled out the puppets and you would not give him the satisfaction of winning with that))) - but all that was another whole story, one of which even the most basic of premises was insurmountably complicated and steeped in irony.  Also swords.  And puppet dicks.  But mostly swords.  Bro had gotten into the habit of storing various weaponry around the kitchen appliances instead of food which rarely filled them anyway.  You didn’t quite understand that level of irony yet but you just rolled with it so that he wouldn’t pick up on that and thereby win again.  Fuck that noise._

_You have also developed a liking for the phrase “fuck that noise.”_

_Right!  Back to the John’s present deal.  He and Rose had been talking, and evidently Jade, too, about playing this stupid game.  Sburb.  You read the reviews in a stupid magazine and if even a stupid magazine written by a stupid guy called the game stupid, you had subzero interest in playing it.  Thus, you sent your copy of the game to John so he could enjoy playing with the girls and you would just mind your own beeswax and further develop your amazing mixing musical talents.  (Yes, you knew you were more on the mediocre side, but that’s what practice is for, right?  You’d work on it while they waste time playing.)  Right after totally kicking Bro’s ass._

_….  It could happen soon.  You’re getting better._

 

Chapter 5:  Sburb

 

**\-- ectoBiologist began pestering turntechGodhead at 17:09 --**

**EB:  okay okay i’m home from school**

**EB:  my birthday is monday**

**EB:  just gotta live through the weekend**

**EB:  and then it’ll be here**

**EB:  the day of incessant cake and fatherly affection**

**EB:  and also hopefully sburb :D**

**TG:  yup**

**TG:  youll be old like me**

**TG:  ill be sure to welcome you to the club with the sweetest and finest of rhymes**

**TG:  composed**

**TG:  in their entirety**

**TG:  specifically for you and your amazing accomplishment of completing another trip around the sun**

**TG:  which actually is p awesome so go you**

**EB:  haha thanks!**

**TG:  not everyone could do it**

**TG:  but yeah buddy youre awesome and you made it**

**EB:  dave oh my god!**

**TG:  what**

**TG:  what i do**

**EB:  you called me awesome!**

**EB:  haha! victory!**

**TG:  nah son thats totally not it**

**TG:  its awesome**

**TG:  youre still a hugeass fucking nerd**

**EB:  thanks man, i appreciate it. *rolling my eyes at you***

**TG:  youre welcome**

**TG:  all part of the strider charm**

**TG:  shit i think bro is fucking around with my stuff again**

**TG:  might come back later**

**TG:  might not**

**EB:  haha, okay. be safe!**

**TG:  yep**

**\-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 17:46 --**

**\-- turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist at 17:47 --**

**TG:  by the way those freaks are trolling me now too**

**EB:  aren’t they obnoxious?**

**TG:  damn fucking right**

**EB:  see i told you! they’re like constantly there!**

**TG:  utter incessant and by the way mighty pathetic trolling deserves trolling back**

**TG:  which i do ordinarily do**

**TG:  just sometimes they really piss me off**

**TG:  they all piss me off but some more than others**

**TG:  and**

**TG:  nvm they discomfort me greatly at some points u feel me**

**EB:  uhh**

**EB:  yeah**

**EB:  so like go deal with your bro and come back!!**

**TG:  k**

**\-- turntechGodhead ceased pestering ectoBiologist at 17:49 --**

~*~*~*~*~

You never did get to talk to John after that, but you did get an irritating amount of purple and green text at the same time.  They want you to play.  Everybody wants you to play.  You don’t want to.  Same old simple argument between interests.  This argument would continue until you caught Bro off guard and nabbed something off the counter.  It was the same thing you saw him fretting over for like two weeks now, but he thought you weren’t looking.  He had a copy of Sburb.

“What the everloving fuck,” you muttered to yourself.  Of course you didn’t _know_ it was a copy of Sburb.  You really just wanted to know what it was, get under his skin, and win something from him.  This seemed to count as a win in your mind.  But this huge fucking dork had a copy of the game (probably didn’t know) that you sent away.  Great, now you really didn’t have an excuse.  Okay, okay.  You’d play.  Whatever.

You didn’t know that this weekend (the entirety of which you vehemently denied any willingness and capability to play Sburb for very many valid reasons) would be your last weekend as an ordinary kid.  Monday came around and John turned 13 (“welcome to the cult, youngun”), and with that, you were finally persuaded to play with the other three (“it’s inevitable, dave!!!! you reeeeeeeeeally _have_ to play it. i don’t really know why, but you do!!!!! it’s important that you do!”).

 

==> Stop being Dave Strider and go read that shitty webcomic, Homestuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nah, your actions were interrupted by a life-altering videogame that killed you and your friends and caused an interspecies collaboration in an effort to save your own asses and someday maybe return home.  
> What the fuck is Homestuck?  
> Nobody really knows, but what happens to you when it's all over? Well, how the hell should we know?!
> 
> Ahhh okay, so I have to return my laptop to the school tomorrow. Since I have a bunch of service projects and band camp coming up in the summer, I may or may not be able to write over the summer. We shall see. Whatever happens, I'll be starting a new part to the series! ^^ Bye for now ouo/

**Author's Note:**

> Okay wonderful I just learned that I don't know how to make font style or color change for the pesterlog. Whatever, it's okay, it's all a learning experience. uvu If you're still with me, thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed, and I'll enjoy following Dave's life as it flows in my head for what I hope will be your enjoyment. See you next time, when I cheat my way out of writing a fight scene. B)


End file.
